my advice vol. 2

Q. Family Gathering Dilemma: My father is turning 70 at the end of February and my mom has organized a party to get all of my siblings to attend. With everyone scattered across the country, this is a rare occurrence and we have decided to get a professional photographer to take some family pictures. I am the youngest in the family and the only one who is unmarried, although I am in a long-term relationship with a great guy. My dad and the family love the boyfriend and he has been included in the festivities. He's met a few of my sibs before, they all approve and I'm really happy that he has been welcomed so fully into my family's plans. Here's my problem: I love my boyfriend and I plan on being with him for the long haul, but if we do break up in the future, I don't want our family picture to include my future ex. All of my high school graduation pictures are marred by an ex that, at the time, I was clearly going to spend the rest of my life with whom I have since fallen out of touch with and they're awkward to look at now. How do I navigate having my boyfriend attend this happy event, but not include him in the pictures? Is there a delicate way to tell him I feel it would be inappropriate? I don't want it to seem like I'm planning to skip town, but these pictures are one of the few cases where my whole family will be together and I don't want everyone to look back on them in a few years and go "Oh yea, whatever happened to that guy little sis was seeing?" Any advice greatly appreciated, thanks! (Dear Prudence 1/29/13)

A. Um. You feel awkward because a guy you once loved is pictured in family photos? And now, you're worried that a guy you are probably going to marry will be in family photos? Or, conversely, you are afraid that you might have to answer the question: "what happened to that guy you were dating in this picture?" Because, actually, all you have to say is: "gee, I don't know" or "oh him? I dumped him." BUT, this is a really big deal, so I have an idea!! How about no one who is not blood related is allowed in the photos. Because, well, people get divorced!!!!!! And maybe your sister's husband will cheat on her with your current boyfriend and imagine the story then!!!! HOW do you EXPLAIN that scenario when strangers look at your family photogs?!?!?!?!!?! In conclusion: Happy 70th to your dad!!

Q. Firing an Officiant: My fiancé and I are atheists, and we were overjoyed when our friend's boyfriend decided to get ordained to marry us. We paid him a few hundred dollars to read our vows. But he quickly became domineering, offering endlessly unsolicited advice and trying to run the show. After he came over and insulted our vows last weekend (and insulted me, believing that I wrote them), I've had enough with his behavior. He's only talked to me once since, and that was to back up his earlier comments. Since then, despite calmly telling him once again what we want, he's ignored me. I've been kind to him only to preserve my friendship, but at this point it looks lost. How do I go about firing him? (Dear Prudence 1/29/13)

A. That guy's a douche! I'd say you be as frank with him as he has been with you. For example: "Please. Stop. And, by the way, we've asked Joshua Walter Birmingham to marry us, so don't even worry about it."

Q. Miscarriage With My Ex: I broke up with my boyfriend three weeks ago after I found out that he had been cheating on me. We had been together about a year, but did not live together. I knew he was not right for me and we were not going to end up married, but still, the infidelity and accompanying lies really stung. In the weeks leading up to the split, I suspected I was pregnant (I was) but didn't say anything to him because things were so difficult between us. A few days after we broke up, I miscarried. It was devastating. Even though I know he would not have been an ideal father, and I definitely didn't set out to get pregnant, I still wanted the baby and now feel a sense of loss mixed with relief and guilt. My question is, should I tell my ex about the miscarriage? Some of my friends say he has the right to know. (DP, 1/29/13)

 A. Why would you tell him? What purpose would that serve? Your friends are idiots.

Q. Ogling: My boyfriend (we are both around 50 years old) has a habit of ogling women, sometimes rather obviously and often when we are together. I find it rude and annoying, but not a huge issue in and of itself. However, I recently discovered that he sometimes takes pictures surreptitiously of women, often of their rear ends and legs. I am very bothered by this, find it creepy, and also wonder if he could get in trouble for it. I know that if I bent over at a bus stop to pick up a quarter, and some stranger took a picture, I would be really furious, and feel violated. If someone did that to my daughter, I would be murderous. He knows I am aware of the obvious staring, but I don't think he realizes that I have actually seen him snap a picture, and I am quite sure that if I bring it up, it will not be an easy conversation. I can't decide if I am overreacting, or if I should talk to him about it, or I should just get the hell out of Dodge. I have tried to just ignore it, but it does bother me a lot. (DP, 1/29/13)

A. Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuh. TO BE CLEAR: You are dating a pervert. BUT you are unsure whether to dump him? Is that your question? Your question is: SHOULD I DUMP A PERVERT? (Boiled down.) Are you that bloody desperate? C'mon lady. Just pretend he has done the peep-photos to your daughter (which is highly likely unless she's gross) and then go all ballistic on him, minus the murder.

Q. Newly Engaged/Ex-Fiancé?: I just got engaged recently. My ex-"fiancé"—who abruptly left me some years ago—now wants "to talk." I'm not sure about what. All of a sudden he decided he didn't want to be married to me anymore so we broke up weeks before the big day. I moved on with someone else. As far as I know he remained single. His friends tell me he is mopey, but I've done my best to ignore such comments. Now, after years of silence and no explanation, he wants to talk. Do I owe him anything? I thought about just not responding. There's literally nothing I can do for him. What do I owe my soon-to-be husband?

A. Do you want to talk to this guy? If so, meet him for a coffee. If your s-t-b-h is rational, he'll understand you are just enabling closure for another human being. If you don't want to meet with the guy, then don't; there is really nothing complicated about this because, as long as you don't harbor feelings for this guy who dissed you it's really not a big deal. UNLESS you do harbor feelings for this ex. Which leads me to my next question: why do you put "to talk" in quotes? Do you think he wants to fondle your private parts? Or, are you imaging some revenge sex? If so, ignore him.

Q. Secret Child: My husband had an affair a few years ago with a woman he worked with, and a child was the result. My husband and I stayed together, and are working through it, as difficult as it has been. However, I never told my ultraconservative dad about his tryst and resulting baby. I'm having a hard enough time coming to terms with the child myself, and I know telling my father would just complicate things, but everyone else in both families know, and it's just a matter of time before he finds out, and I'd rather he find out from me rather than through the grapevine. The child is now coming up on 2 years in just a few months—how do I break the news to my father?

A. Tell him before someone else does! Just be like, "Woopsie! Forgot to mention hubs had an issue with a wandering dick, but I stayed with him AND his baby! Look, there's his/our baby!" (Then, point to the love child/son.) Everything will be fine. Most grandparent types enjoy babies because they are old and sort of demented. Another option: ignore the whole thing and if someone mentions it to your dad and your dad confronts you, be all like: "say whaaaaaaaaaaa?"  THEN your dad will feel like a jerk. And everything will be fine.