my advice vol. 4

These are all from Dear Prudence. Right now I am on the couch drinking some tea. I think it was caffeinated and I'm a little light headed. On to the letters!

Q. Friend Dating My Former Fiancé: I'm really struggling to be happy for my good friend Ellie, who is dating my former fiancé Joey. Joey and I were broken up for four years before he started dating Ellie, and I've moved on and am in a much better relationship. It still hurts to listen to Ellie talk about how great Joey is—our engagement ended because he cheated on me and tried to make me feel crazy when I confronted him. I love Ellie and want the best for her. Why does it hurt me, then, because her happy relationship is with my former fiance? What can I do to get over these feelings?

A.  This sounds lousy! Swizzle. It just blows when someone you love (Ellie) finds happiness with someone who hurt you (Joey). It doesn't make none sense! And your head goes all bonkers. Cut down time with Ellie for a while, and then kill her. NO! JK! But, cut down time with her and wait. Things will get better.

Q. Flirting: My fiancé is a very flirtatious guy. He definitely straddles the line of appropriateness, but I know he would never touch another woman. He's also very honest and tells me about his flirtations. (They're mainly via email or text, and with women happily married that he's been friends with for years and years.) I guess my question is ... should it bother me that he does this? It doesn't. I really do trust him. (FWIW, I've been cheated on in the past by my ex-husband, went through therapy, etc. etc.) My friends all think it's weird that I'm okay with him making these flirty jokes to other women. Maybe it's because these are all women that I know and trust?

A. WHAT? He emails you that he flirted? What do these emails look like???
Dear Zoey,
Today I flirted with my oldest friend Adeline.  She's SO hot. I said something like, "damn baby you fiiiine." And she was like, "Joey! Stop it." Then, I accidentally raped her a little bit.
Love,
Joey
Maybe not. But listen, let's review your last sentence (did you review it?). And now let me suggest something different: "Maybe it's because I have really low self-esteem and don't think I deserve a guy who is truly faithful and doesn't get a kick out of telling me about women he flirts with?" I do not think this is a good situation. First comes flirting than comes f...ing! Everyone says that.
Q. Red Flag?: I am a zaftig woman of 40 yrs. I recently met a man who asked me out on a date. We went to dinner and had a nice time, but during dinner he said that he was attracted to me because of my weight (he likes big girls) he asked me what size I wore and how much I weighed. I was put off by that and told him so, he blew it off like it was nothing. Now I think he has a big girl fetish and is not really interested in me. We have not been out since ... I am skittish. Is this my issue? Is it any different if a man says he likes big breasts and only goes out with women with big breasts? Or am I wise to move on?

A. I had no idea what a zaftig woman was! Thank you for your insight. Also, I've never referred to myself as "a woman of 28 years." LOVE IT!

Q. Takeout Tipping: I frequently get takeout and eat in at a local Chinese restaurant. Recently the waitresses began adding a 20 percent tip to my bill whenever I dine in. I always tip at least 15 percent when I dine in and reserve 20-30 percent tips for outstanding service, which the waitresses at this restaurant rarely provide. One day, one of the waitresses told me that they added the 20 percent tip to my bill because I don't tip when I get takeout. I was mortified—my parents and most close friends don't tip when they got takeout, and I usually only tip on takeout if the waiters and I have a good conversation. What's the socially acceptable take on takeout tipping? I probably won't return to this restaurant—their egg rolls are so good! —but I would love to know for the future.

A. YIKES! That lady has some nerve! This is a hard question in general. For the future, I think approximately $2-5 depending on the extravagance of your take out. Sorry for the loss of your egg rolls.

Q. Marriage (Married the Perfect Guy, but Maybe the Wrong Guy for Me): I am married to a kind, generous, attractive, wonderful man. The problem? I am not attracted to him. Actually, I am sometimes turned-off by him. I have battled these feelings since before we even got married. I think I married him because he is such a wonderful person, and I thought I would be blowing it if I passed on the opportunity to spend my life with someone who treats me so well. He knows that I have issues with attraction to him. Right now, I consider us great roommates and friends, but not lovers. The turn-offs? First, in the time that I have known him, he has become increasingly involved with transcendental meditation, spending hours a day on it, and traveling all over the country for extended conferences. He's so sensitive that he won't even kill a bug that's indoors—he picks it up and puts it outside. How can I even think about leaving someone who is so good to me? Who does that? Help—I have a 90 percent perfect marriage, but that 10 percent that's missing is killing me. Wanting 10 percent more.

A. OH BROTHER. You've really done it this time. This poor bastard. You're going to need to divorce him though. Transcendental meditation? What the what is that? I don't want to know, don't get me wrong. But, for pete's sake. Women need men who kill rodents for them. That's all! A little rodent/bug killing. Oh, and it helps when they enjoy the whole "sexing" thing.  Lots of people who write in to advice columns don't think that's very important.

Q: Back and Forth Boyfriend: I have a very nice guy who has been in and out of my life for a variety of reasons. He's getting himself together, and we're thinking about starting a romantic relationship again. The problem is my friends. They are all very intellectual and put a high premium on reading and knowing the current events of the day, as do I. He barely passed high school and has tried college several times. He's so intimidated by my friends that he starts explaining the simplest concepts of whatever we're talking about at the time, and he babbles on and on. I've tried tapping him on the shoulder or nudging him to let him know it's time to let someone else speak or simply to distract him, but he doesn't take the hint and consistently sticks his foot in his mouth and insults my friends by explaining common knowledge concepts to them. I believe he thinks it makes him sound intelligent. He thinks he is keeping up in the conversations, but I've had several people approach me asking why I'm with him and why I bring him around if he's going to talk down to everyone. I'm not sure about where we are going romantically, but he is a very old friend and I want to include him in my life. What can I do to help him?

A.  Fuzz buckets- this guy is a mess!  Listen, I like people who can read and whatever. But that doesn't mean they had to graduate all kinds of fancy places, or even unfancy places. They just need to, I don't know, be able to speak. That's just me though. I am known for high expectations. More or less, how are you attracted to this bumbling idiot? You need to ask yourself that.