my advice vol. 2

Q. Family Gathering Dilemma: My father is turning 70 at the end of February and my mom has organized a party to get all of my siblings to attend. With everyone scattered across the country, this is a rare occurrence and we have decided to get a professional photographer to take some family pictures. I am the youngest in the family and the only one who is unmarried, although I am in a long-term relationship with a great guy. My dad and the family love the boyfriend and he has been included in the festivities. He's met a few of my sibs before, they all approve and I'm really happy that he has been welcomed so fully into my family's plans. Here's my problem: I love my boyfriend and I plan on being with him for the long haul, but if we do break up in the future, I don't want our family picture to include my future ex. All of my high school graduation pictures are marred by an ex that, at the time, I was clearly going to spend the rest of my life with whom I have since fallen out of touch with and they're awkward to look at now. How do I navigate having my boyfriend attend this happy event, but not include him in the pictures? Is there a delicate way to tell him I feel it would be inappropriate? I don't want it to seem like I'm planning to skip town, but these pictures are one of the few cases where my whole family will be together and I don't want everyone to look back on them in a few years and go "Oh yea, whatever happened to that guy little sis was seeing?" Any advice greatly appreciated, thanks! (Dear Prudence 1/29/13)

A. Um. You feel awkward because a guy you once loved is pictured in family photos? And now, you're worried that a guy you are probably going to marry will be in family photos? Or, conversely, you are afraid that you might have to answer the question: "what happened to that guy you were dating in this picture?" Because, actually, all you have to say is: "gee, I don't know" or "oh him? I dumped him." BUT, this is a really big deal, so I have an idea!! How about no one who is not blood related is allowed in the photos. Because, well, people get divorced!!!!!! And maybe your sister's husband will cheat on her with your current boyfriend and imagine the story then!!!! HOW do you EXPLAIN that scenario when strangers look at your family photogs?!?!?!?!!?! In conclusion: Happy 70th to your dad!!

Q. Firing an Officiant: My fiancé and I are atheists, and we were overjoyed when our friend's boyfriend decided to get ordained to marry us. We paid him a few hundred dollars to read our vows. But he quickly became domineering, offering endlessly unsolicited advice and trying to run the show. After he came over and insulted our vows last weekend (and insulted me, believing that I wrote them), I've had enough with his behavior. He's only talked to me once since, and that was to back up his earlier comments. Since then, despite calmly telling him once again what we want, he's ignored me. I've been kind to him only to preserve my friendship, but at this point it looks lost. How do I go about firing him? (Dear Prudence 1/29/13)

A. That guy's a douche! I'd say you be as frank with him as he has been with you. For example: "Please. Stop. And, by the way, we've asked Joshua Walter Birmingham to marry us, so don't even worry about it."

Q. Miscarriage With My Ex: I broke up with my boyfriend three weeks ago after I found out that he had been cheating on me. We had been together about a year, but did not live together. I knew he was not right for me and we were not going to end up married, but still, the infidelity and accompanying lies really stung. In the weeks leading up to the split, I suspected I was pregnant (I was) but didn't say anything to him because things were so difficult between us. A few days after we broke up, I miscarried. It was devastating. Even though I know he would not have been an ideal father, and I definitely didn't set out to get pregnant, I still wanted the baby and now feel a sense of loss mixed with relief and guilt. My question is, should I tell my ex about the miscarriage? Some of my friends say he has the right to know. (DP, 1/29/13)

 A. Why would you tell him? What purpose would that serve? Your friends are idiots.

Q. Ogling: My boyfriend (we are both around 50 years old) has a habit of ogling women, sometimes rather obviously and often when we are together. I find it rude and annoying, but not a huge issue in and of itself. However, I recently discovered that he sometimes takes pictures surreptitiously of women, often of their rear ends and legs. I am very bothered by this, find it creepy, and also wonder if he could get in trouble for it. I know that if I bent over at a bus stop to pick up a quarter, and some stranger took a picture, I would be really furious, and feel violated. If someone did that to my daughter, I would be murderous. He knows I am aware of the obvious staring, but I don't think he realizes that I have actually seen him snap a picture, and I am quite sure that if I bring it up, it will not be an easy conversation. I can't decide if I am overreacting, or if I should talk to him about it, or I should just get the hell out of Dodge. I have tried to just ignore it, but it does bother me a lot. (DP, 1/29/13)

A. Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuh. TO BE CLEAR: You are dating a pervert. BUT you are unsure whether to dump him? Is that your question? Your question is: SHOULD I DUMP A PERVERT? (Boiled down.) Are you that bloody desperate? C'mon lady. Just pretend he has done the peep-photos to your daughter (which is highly likely unless she's gross) and then go all ballistic on him, minus the murder.

Q. Newly Engaged/Ex-Fiancé?: I just got engaged recently. My ex-"fiancé"—who abruptly left me some years ago—now wants "to talk." I'm not sure about what. All of a sudden he decided he didn't want to be married to me anymore so we broke up weeks before the big day. I moved on with someone else. As far as I know he remained single. His friends tell me he is mopey, but I've done my best to ignore such comments. Now, after years of silence and no explanation, he wants to talk. Do I owe him anything? I thought about just not responding. There's literally nothing I can do for him. What do I owe my soon-to-be husband?

A. Do you want to talk to this guy? If so, meet him for a coffee. If your s-t-b-h is rational, he'll understand you are just enabling closure for another human being. If you don't want to meet with the guy, then don't; there is really nothing complicated about this because, as long as you don't harbor feelings for this guy who dissed you it's really not a big deal. UNLESS you do harbor feelings for this ex. Which leads me to my next question: why do you put "to talk" in quotes? Do you think he wants to fondle your private parts? Or, are you imaging some revenge sex? If so, ignore him.

Q. Secret Child: My husband had an affair a few years ago with a woman he worked with, and a child was the result. My husband and I stayed together, and are working through it, as difficult as it has been. However, I never told my ultraconservative dad about his tryst and resulting baby. I'm having a hard enough time coming to terms with the child myself, and I know telling my father would just complicate things, but everyone else in both families know, and it's just a matter of time before he finds out, and I'd rather he find out from me rather than through the grapevine. The child is now coming up on 2 years in just a few months—how do I break the news to my father?

A. Tell him before someone else does! Just be like, "Woopsie! Forgot to mention hubs had an issue with a wandering dick, but I stayed with him AND his baby! Look, there's his/our baby!" (Then, point to the love child/son.) Everything will be fine. Most grandparent types enjoy babies because they are old and sort of demented. Another option: ignore the whole thing and if someone mentions it to your dad and your dad confronts you, be all like: "say whaaaaaaaaaaa?"  THEN your dad will feel like a jerk. And everything will be fine.

my advice vol. 1

Q. I have been going with a man for two years. We seem to get along sharing cultural backgrounds and interest in the arts, politics, etc. Our intimate life is absolutely wonderful. But there is absolutely no talk of the future or of moving in or moving forwards in our relationship. I love him and the only times we have not seen eye to eye is when I bring up my dissatisfaction with his no-commitment attitude toward me/us. Yes I am always ready and willing when he calls or makes any plans but I have been feeling unhappy in this situation because I feel he doesn't want to get married or move in together. (Dear Prudence 1/21/13)

A. THEN SAY SOMETHING. Also, you seem old. "I've been going with a man..." Old people say that. So, this is even worse than I thought.

Q. I have been happily married for several years and have never cheated on my wife. Last week I went for a massage, and now I have a dilemma. I’m a sucker for cheap, Asian massage and this place seemed legit. They had ads for couples’ massage and a row of chairs for foot reflexology. The sign in the room said “Keep undergarments on.” But the masseuse came in and asked me to take my shirt off since she used oil during the massage. The first hour was completely normal, and when she asked me if I wanted a longer massage I told her to go another 30 minutes. She told me to turn over, massaged my stomach, then started to pleasure me—well, you can imagine how. I never solicited, intended, or suggested this happen! I could have stopped it, but it all happened so fast and was over in about 20 seconds. I almost felt violated. After that she finished the massage, and I paid and left a tip. I have resolved to only get fully clothed massages from now on, if any. I pride myself on being honest and treasure the intimacy and emotional trust my wife and I have. I feel that it might be gone if I keep this event from her, but I’m also not sure I should tell her. What should I do?

A. LIAR! OMG! LIAR, CHEATER! OMG! You are a scardy-pants man! AND I hate to have to be the one to tell you, but your wife hates having sex with your small penis. (Dear Prudence 1/17/13)

Q. My fiance and I are often incredibly bored at weddings, especially when the only people we really know are the bride and/or groom. You see, we don't really enjoy dancing. (Though, oddly, I grew up studying ballet rather rigorously.) So we end up parking at a table like the elderly family members.

Now that we're engaged and starting to plan the basic framework of our wedding, the question of dancing at the reception is coming into play. While initially my fiance was on board with my no-dancing declaration, he has since back pedaled, claiming that this is "just what people do." When I asked my fiance if he wanted to dance at our wedding, he was very adamant that he didn't. Yet, we are still discussing it.

So I wonder if it wouldn't be helpful to think of something else for our guests to do. Other than the standard "mingling," how do we occupy our guests so they don't feel awkward or bored themselves? And if we can't come up with anything, how do I stop my guests from dragging me onto the dance floor all night without being snippy or rude? (East Side Bride 1/15/13)


A. You sound boring and your wedding is likely to be a snooze fest. Just do whatever boring people do and expect everyone to walk away saying, "eh, that was okay. I'd rather have not spent all that money on those two boring idiots." As much as weddings are about you, they're also about the people you're inviting, unless you elope.

Q. A neighbor recently posted on a neighborhood forum that after several years, her lost cat returned home. The cat was a kitten when it went astray. Naturally, the neighbors did the usual things you do when you lose a cat; searched endlessly, put food out and posted on community boards, electronic and otherwise. The family was naturally relieved when the cat returned. However, someone has clearly cared for the cat. It is healthy and has been neutered. But there’s no indication of ownership. My neighbor’s dilemma is a question of obligation to the “temporary” family and whether she can take ownership of the cat. (The Ethicist 12/14/12)

A. I have a lot of questions that will not help you directly, but may help you evaluate your life. First and perhaps most important: WHY are you writing about your neighbor's cat? Are you the person who stole the kitten from the family who "lost" the cat and since you were the "temporary" family you're feeling a bit upset that you now can't care for the neutered cat? How do they know this is the same cat? DNA tests? Is this cat fluffy? If not, forget about it.

Q. My future in-laws stayed with us for several days a few weeks ago. They live on the other side of the country, so I have actually only met them once (though my fiance generally only has good things to say about his parents). Well, one morning when they were here, my fiance was showering and I was making everyone breakfast. I stepped in our bedroom for a moment to get something and found my fiance's dad sniffing a pair of my panties from the laundry basket. Dirty underwear. Eek!! I acted casual about it like I hadn't noticed and he said he was looking for a sweater that my fiance had offered to let him wear. This kind of creeps me out though. I haven't told my fiance and I'm not sure if I should because I know he gets along so well with his mom and dad. Any thoughts? (Dear Prudence 11/7/11)

A: Holy wow! That's the grossest. Say something casual the next time all of you are together, like: "My underpants stink! Jeesh! Future father-in-law, (insert his name if you like) will you smell them to see if they smell different from the last time you sniffed them, and I caught you but was too scared to admit it?" Surely, this will open the door to a healthy conversation.