my advice vol. 1

Q. I have been going with a man for two years. We seem to get along sharing cultural backgrounds and interest in the arts, politics, etc. Our intimate life is absolutely wonderful. But there is absolutely no talk of the future or of moving in or moving forwards in our relationship. I love him and the only times we have not seen eye to eye is when I bring up my dissatisfaction with his no-commitment attitude toward me/us. Yes I am always ready and willing when he calls or makes any plans but I have been feeling unhappy in this situation because I feel he doesn't want to get married or move in together. (Dear Prudence 1/21/13)

A. THEN SAY SOMETHING. Also, you seem old. "I've been going with a man..." Old people say that. So, this is even worse than I thought.

Q. I have been happily married for several years and have never cheated on my wife. Last week I went for a massage, and now I have a dilemma. I’m a sucker for cheap, Asian massage and this place seemed legit. They had ads for couples’ massage and a row of chairs for foot reflexology. The sign in the room said “Keep undergarments on.” But the masseuse came in and asked me to take my shirt off since she used oil during the massage. The first hour was completely normal, and when she asked me if I wanted a longer massage I told her to go another 30 minutes. She told me to turn over, massaged my stomach, then started to pleasure me—well, you can imagine how. I never solicited, intended, or suggested this happen! I could have stopped it, but it all happened so fast and was over in about 20 seconds. I almost felt violated. After that she finished the massage, and I paid and left a tip. I have resolved to only get fully clothed massages from now on, if any. I pride myself on being honest and treasure the intimacy and emotional trust my wife and I have. I feel that it might be gone if I keep this event from her, but I’m also not sure I should tell her. What should I do?

A. LIAR! OMG! LIAR, CHEATER! OMG! You are a scardy-pants man! AND I hate to have to be the one to tell you, but your wife hates having sex with your small penis. (Dear Prudence 1/17/13)

Q. My fiance and I are often incredibly bored at weddings, especially when the only people we really know are the bride and/or groom. You see, we don't really enjoy dancing. (Though, oddly, I grew up studying ballet rather rigorously.) So we end up parking at a table like the elderly family members.

Now that we're engaged and starting to plan the basic framework of our wedding, the question of dancing at the reception is coming into play. While initially my fiance was on board with my no-dancing declaration, he has since back pedaled, claiming that this is "just what people do." When I asked my fiance if he wanted to dance at our wedding, he was very adamant that he didn't. Yet, we are still discussing it.

So I wonder if it wouldn't be helpful to think of something else for our guests to do. Other than the standard "mingling," how do we occupy our guests so they don't feel awkward or bored themselves? And if we can't come up with anything, how do I stop my guests from dragging me onto the dance floor all night without being snippy or rude? (East Side Bride 1/15/13)


A. You sound boring and your wedding is likely to be a snooze fest. Just do whatever boring people do and expect everyone to walk away saying, "eh, that was okay. I'd rather have not spent all that money on those two boring idiots." As much as weddings are about you, they're also about the people you're inviting, unless you elope.

Q. A neighbor recently posted on a neighborhood forum that after several years, her lost cat returned home. The cat was a kitten when it went astray. Naturally, the neighbors did the usual things you do when you lose a cat; searched endlessly, put food out and posted on community boards, electronic and otherwise. The family was naturally relieved when the cat returned. However, someone has clearly cared for the cat. It is healthy and has been neutered. But there’s no indication of ownership. My neighbor’s dilemma is a question of obligation to the “temporary” family and whether she can take ownership of the cat. (The Ethicist 12/14/12)

A. I have a lot of questions that will not help you directly, but may help you evaluate your life. First and perhaps most important: WHY are you writing about your neighbor's cat? Are you the person who stole the kitten from the family who "lost" the cat and since you were the "temporary" family you're feeling a bit upset that you now can't care for the neutered cat? How do they know this is the same cat? DNA tests? Is this cat fluffy? If not, forget about it.

Q. My future in-laws stayed with us for several days a few weeks ago. They live on the other side of the country, so I have actually only met them once (though my fiance generally only has good things to say about his parents). Well, one morning when they were here, my fiance was showering and I was making everyone breakfast. I stepped in our bedroom for a moment to get something and found my fiance's dad sniffing a pair of my panties from the laundry basket. Dirty underwear. Eek!! I acted casual about it like I hadn't noticed and he said he was looking for a sweater that my fiance had offered to let him wear. This kind of creeps me out though. I haven't told my fiance and I'm not sure if I should because I know he gets along so well with his mom and dad. Any thoughts? (Dear Prudence 11/7/11)

A: Holy wow! That's the grossest. Say something casual the next time all of you are together, like: "My underpants stink! Jeesh! Future father-in-law, (insert his name if you like) will you smell them to see if they smell different from the last time you sniffed them, and I caught you but was too scared to admit it?" Surely, this will open the door to a healthy conversation.