These are all from Dear Prudence. Right now I am on the couch drinking some tea. I think it was caffeinated and I'm a little light headed. On to the letters!
Q. Friend Dating My Former Fiancé: I'm really
struggling to be happy for my good friend Ellie, who is dating my former
fiancé Joey. Joey and I were broken up for four years before he started
dating Ellie, and I've moved on and am in a much better relationship.
It still hurts to listen to Ellie talk about how great Joey is—our
engagement ended because he cheated on me and tried to make me feel
crazy when I confronted him. I love Ellie and want the best for her. Why
does it hurt me, then, because her happy relationship is with my former
fiance? What can I do to get over these feelings?
A.
This sounds lousy! Swizzle. It just blows when someone you love (Ellie)
finds happiness with someone who hurt you (Joey). It doesn't make none
sense! And your head goes all bonkers. Cut down time with Ellie for a
while, and then kill her. NO! JK! But, cut down time with her and wait.
Things will get better.
Q. Flirting: My fiancé is a very flirtatious guy. He
definitely straddles the line of appropriateness, but I know he would
never touch another woman. He's also very honest and tells me about his
flirtations. (They're mainly via email or text, and with women happily
married that he's been friends with for years and years.) I guess my
question is ... should it bother me that he does this? It doesn't. I
really do trust him. (FWIW, I've been cheated on in the past by my
ex-husband, went through therapy, etc. etc.) My friends all think it's
weird that I'm okay with him making these flirty jokes to other women.
Maybe it's because these are all women that I know and trust?
A. WHAT? He emails you that he flirted? What do these emails look like???
Dear Zoey,
Today
I flirted with my oldest friend Adeline. She's SO hot. I said
something like, "damn baby you fiiiine." And she was like, "Joey! Stop
it." Then, I accidentally raped her a little bit.
Love,
Joey
Maybe
not. But listen, let's review your last sentence (did you review it?).
And now let me suggest something different: "Maybe it's because I have
really low self-esteem and don't think I deserve a guy who is truly
faithful and doesn't get a kick out of telling me about women he flirts
with?" I do not think this is a good situation. First comes flirting
than comes f...ing! Everyone says that.
Q. Red Flag?: I am a zaftig woman of 40 yrs. I recently
met a man who asked me out on a date. We went to dinner and had a nice
time, but during dinner he said that he was attracted to me because of
my weight (he likes big girls) he asked me what size I wore and how much
I weighed. I was put off by that and told him so, he blew it off like
it was nothing. Now I think he has a big girl fetish and is not really
interested in me. We have not been out since ... I am skittish. Is this
my issue? Is it any different if a man says he likes big breasts and
only goes out with women with big breasts? Or am I wise to move on?
A. I
had no idea what a zaftig woman was! Thank you for your insight. Also,
I've never referred to myself as "a woman of 28 years." LOVE IT!
Q. Takeout Tipping: I frequently get takeout and eat in
at a local Chinese restaurant. Recently the waitresses began adding a
20 percent tip to my bill whenever I dine in. I always tip at least 15
percent when I dine in and reserve 20-30 percent tips for outstanding
service, which the waitresses at this restaurant rarely provide. One
day, one of the waitresses told me that they added the 20 percent tip to
my bill because I don't tip when I get takeout. I was mortified—my
parents and most close friends don't tip when they got takeout, and I
usually only tip on takeout if the waiters and I have a good
conversation. What's the socially acceptable take on takeout tipping? I
probably won't return to this restaurant—their egg rolls are so good!
—but I would love to know for the future.
A. YIKES!
That lady has some nerve! This is a hard question in general. For the future, I think
approximately $2-5 depending on the extravagance of your take out. Sorry for the loss of your egg rolls.
Q. Marriage (Married the Perfect Guy, but Maybe the Wrong Guy for Me): I
am married to a kind, generous, attractive, wonderful man. The problem?
I am not attracted to him. Actually, I am sometimes turned-off by him. I
have battled these feelings since before we even got married. I think I
married him because he is such a wonderful person, and I thought I
would be blowing it if I passed on the opportunity to spend my life with
someone who treats me so well. He knows that I have issues with
attraction to him. Right now, I consider us great roommates and friends,
but not lovers. The turn-offs? First, in the time that I have known
him, he has become increasingly involved with transcendental meditation,
spending hours a day on it, and traveling all over the country for
extended conferences. He's so sensitive that he won't even kill a bug
that's indoors—he picks it up and puts it outside. How can I even think
about leaving someone who is so good to me? Who does that? Help—I have a
90 percent perfect marriage, but that 10 percent that's missing is
killing me. Wanting 10 percent more.
A. OH BROTHER. You've really done it this time. This poor bastard. You're going to need to divorce him though. Transcendental meditation? What the what is that? I don't want to know, don't get me wrong. But, for pete's sake. Women need men who kill rodents for them. That's all! A little rodent/bug killing. Oh, and it helps when they enjoy the whole "sexing" thing. Lots of people who write in to advice columns don't think that's very important.
Q: Back and Forth Boyfriend: I have a very nice guy who
has been in and out of my life for a variety of reasons. He's getting
himself together, and we're thinking about starting a romantic
relationship again. The problem is my friends. They are all very
intellectual and put a high premium on reading and knowing the current
events of the day, as do I. He barely passed high school and has tried
college several times. He's so intimidated by my friends that he starts
explaining the simplest concepts of whatever we're talking about at the
time, and he babbles on and on. I've tried tapping him on the shoulder
or nudging him to let him know it's time to let someone else speak or
simply to distract him, but he doesn't take the hint and consistently
sticks his foot in his mouth and insults my friends by explaining common
knowledge concepts to them. I believe he thinks it makes him sound
intelligent. He thinks he is keeping up in the conversations, but I've
had several people approach me asking why I'm with him and why I bring
him around if he's going to talk down to everyone. I'm not sure about
where we are going romantically, but he is a very old friend and I want
to include him in my life. What can I do to help him?
A. Fuzz buckets- this guy is a mess! Listen, I like people who can read and whatever. But that doesn't mean they had to graduate all kinds of fancy places, or even unfancy places. They just need to, I don't know, be able to speak. That's just me though. I am known for high expectations. More or less, how are you attracted to this bumbling idiot? You need to ask yourself that.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
my advice vol. 3
Before I begin: two peeps say "FWIW" what does it mean?!?! You can let me know in the comments, or email me. But comments are better.
Q. Hot and Bothered Volunteer: I met a celebrity through my volunteer work, and we have flirted ever since we met. I'm young, unattached, and enjoy the occasional one night stand. This man has made it clear he wants to wine and dine me and then take me back to his place, and I'd take him up on the offer—I’m wildly attracted to his intensity and his passion for this cause—except for his tumultuous past. You can't believe everything you read, but he has a pretty dodgy reputation, and his outbursts have sent him to jail before. He has always been kind to me and the people around me, but it's also difficult to ignore how poorly he's treated women in the past. Would I be a bad person if I threw caution to the wind and had a brief fling with this person? I'm not interested in his money, his fame, or having a future with him.
A. GET ON IT.
Q. Annoying, Competitive Parents: My daughter does dance (cultural) and loves it. The problem is that the nature of the dance is so competitive that I find there is friction between me and other parents. My daughter is not the best dancer in the school, but loves to dance. However, the parents of some of the other children go to the competitions and act like their kid if winning the Super Bowl every time they get a medal. My daughter is starting to feel quite sad about not being in the group that always wins and I am not sure how to help her handle it. The parents are obnoxious with their competitive nature and need to win at any cost. One of them actually said rather loudly "go so and so, I hope you get a 1st, 2nd, or 3rd." My daughter heard this and was upset that the parent didn't also encourage her. I encourage all the children, but find that some of the parents do not do so to my child. Any suggestions?
A. You should tell your cultural dance that some people are competitive douche bags and this is how life is. Then you should teach your kid how to dance better, because winning is the most important thing in life.
Q. Want Another Kid, but Maybe not the Marriage: My husband and I have been together for about 12 years, married for about 8, and have a wonderful 2 year old daughter. We are currently trying for baby No. 2 despite some on-going marital issues. These issues, which include my decreased attraction to him, having little in common, and me feeling basically unloved, are getting worse, not better, but I still plan to continue to try to conceive and here's why: He's a good father and if I'm going to have another child, I want it to be with him. Is this just completely wrong? I am still hopeful that we might be able to save our marriage, but even if I knew that that wasn't going to happen, I'd still go ahead and have another child with him. Am I being selfish? Short-sighted?
A. You left one out: delusional! This is crazy talk. You understand that in order to make this baby you need to have sex with this man, right? How/why would you do that in this situation? Not to, like judge, but you're weird.
Q. Dinner Parties, Recalled Food, Food Poisoning: I recently attended a dinner party at the house of two friends from college who are in a long-term relationship. Fondue was on the menu but the chocolate did not melt properly and the peanut butter never made it in. Later, though, I discovered that the peanut butter had been recalled because it was suspected of containing salmonella and was grateful that the recipe was unsuccessful. I informed the couple of this terrible news, but to my shock and surprise, they continue to eat this peanut butter, reasoning that if it was going to kill them, it would have done so already! Should I turn down my next invitation to dinner?
A. OMG YOU SHOULD GO GET YOUR STOMACH PUMPED! What if a tiny bit of peanut butter got in the fondue!?!?!? YOU MIGHT DIE!!!!!!!! Don't go to the next dinner party, or ANY dinner party, bitches tryin' to kill you.
Q. Former Secret Admirer: I developed my first real crush (the listen-to-sad-love-songs-at-night variety) when I was in middle school on an artsy and down-to-earth dreamboat a year ahead of me. Over the next couple years, I wrote him anonymous letters—maybe half a dozen total?—the content of which included "I like you"-language and were sort of chatty. Typical middle school note kind of stuff. I don't remember them being especially over-the-top romantic in any way. And, I actually mailed him these letters. (Quaint, huh?) As the years went by, we had mutual friends but my crush faded as others blossomed. I harbor no feelings now (20 years later)—but my question is, should I ever tell him it was me? Not in a dedicated email or anything but if I run into him one day? We're from a small town so it's not inconceivable I'll see him sometime when everyone is in the area at holiday time. Have any chatters ever been the recipient of this kind of thing? Are you dying to know or do you like the mystery? FWIW, I'm not dying to tell. Just wondering your thoughts.
A. My gut says tell him. First of all, would he even remember?! You won't know til you ask. Did he LOVE them? (See last answer.) OMG I'd be dying to know if I were him. I think it'd be the best, probably 100% awkward, but so the best. Then you'll get married! And have hate sex to make babies like the last LW! Oh, I love a good love story.
Q. Hot and Bothered Volunteer: I met a celebrity through my volunteer work, and we have flirted ever since we met. I'm young, unattached, and enjoy the occasional one night stand. This man has made it clear he wants to wine and dine me and then take me back to his place, and I'd take him up on the offer—I’m wildly attracted to his intensity and his passion for this cause—except for his tumultuous past. You can't believe everything you read, but he has a pretty dodgy reputation, and his outbursts have sent him to jail before. He has always been kind to me and the people around me, but it's also difficult to ignore how poorly he's treated women in the past. Would I be a bad person if I threw caution to the wind and had a brief fling with this person? I'm not interested in his money, his fame, or having a future with him.
A. GET ON IT.
Q. Annoying, Competitive Parents: My daughter does dance (cultural) and loves it. The problem is that the nature of the dance is so competitive that I find there is friction between me and other parents. My daughter is not the best dancer in the school, but loves to dance. However, the parents of some of the other children go to the competitions and act like their kid if winning the Super Bowl every time they get a medal. My daughter is starting to feel quite sad about not being in the group that always wins and I am not sure how to help her handle it. The parents are obnoxious with their competitive nature and need to win at any cost. One of them actually said rather loudly "go so and so, I hope you get a 1st, 2nd, or 3rd." My daughter heard this and was upset that the parent didn't also encourage her. I encourage all the children, but find that some of the parents do not do so to my child. Any suggestions?
A. You should tell your cultural dance that some people are competitive douche bags and this is how life is. Then you should teach your kid how to dance better, because winning is the most important thing in life.
Q. Want Another Kid, but Maybe not the Marriage: My husband and I have been together for about 12 years, married for about 8, and have a wonderful 2 year old daughter. We are currently trying for baby No. 2 despite some on-going marital issues. These issues, which include my decreased attraction to him, having little in common, and me feeling basically unloved, are getting worse, not better, but I still plan to continue to try to conceive and here's why: He's a good father and if I'm going to have another child, I want it to be with him. Is this just completely wrong? I am still hopeful that we might be able to save our marriage, but even if I knew that that wasn't going to happen, I'd still go ahead and have another child with him. Am I being selfish? Short-sighted?
A. You left one out: delusional! This is crazy talk. You understand that in order to make this baby you need to have sex with this man, right? How/why would you do that in this situation? Not to, like judge, but you're weird.
Q. Dinner Parties, Recalled Food, Food Poisoning: I recently attended a dinner party at the house of two friends from college who are in a long-term relationship. Fondue was on the menu but the chocolate did not melt properly and the peanut butter never made it in. Later, though, I discovered that the peanut butter had been recalled because it was suspected of containing salmonella and was grateful that the recipe was unsuccessful. I informed the couple of this terrible news, but to my shock and surprise, they continue to eat this peanut butter, reasoning that if it was going to kill them, it would have done so already! Should I turn down my next invitation to dinner?
A. OMG YOU SHOULD GO GET YOUR STOMACH PUMPED! What if a tiny bit of peanut butter got in the fondue!?!?!? YOU MIGHT DIE!!!!!!!! Don't go to the next dinner party, or ANY dinner party, bitches tryin' to kill you.
Q. Former Secret Admirer: I developed my first real crush (the listen-to-sad-love-songs-at-night variety) when I was in middle school on an artsy and down-to-earth dreamboat a year ahead of me. Over the next couple years, I wrote him anonymous letters—maybe half a dozen total?—the content of which included "I like you"-language and were sort of chatty. Typical middle school note kind of stuff. I don't remember them being especially over-the-top romantic in any way. And, I actually mailed him these letters. (Quaint, huh?) As the years went by, we had mutual friends but my crush faded as others blossomed. I harbor no feelings now (20 years later)—but my question is, should I ever tell him it was me? Not in a dedicated email or anything but if I run into him one day? We're from a small town so it's not inconceivable I'll see him sometime when everyone is in the area at holiday time. Have any chatters ever been the recipient of this kind of thing? Are you dying to know or do you like the mystery? FWIW, I'm not dying to tell. Just wondering your thoughts.
A. My gut says tell him. First of all, would he even remember?! You won't know til you ask. Did he LOVE them? (See last answer.) OMG I'd be dying to know if I were him. I think it'd be the best, probably 100% awkward, but so the best. Then you'll get married! And have hate sex to make babies like the last LW! Oh, I love a good love story.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
my advice vol. 2
Q. Family Gathering Dilemma: My father is turning 70 at
the end of February and my mom has organized a party to get all of my
siblings to attend. With everyone scattered across the country, this is a
rare occurrence and we have decided to get a professional photographer
to take some family pictures. I am the youngest in the family and the
only one who is unmarried, although I am in a long-term relationship
with a great guy. My dad and the family love the boyfriend and he has
been included in the festivities. He's met a few of my sibs before, they
all approve and I'm really happy that he has been welcomed so fully
into my family's plans. Here's my problem: I love my boyfriend and I
plan on being with him for the long haul, but if we do break up in the
future, I don't want our family picture to include my future ex. All of
my high school graduation pictures are marred by an ex that, at the
time, I was clearly going to spend the rest of my life with whom I have
since fallen out of touch with and they're awkward to look at now. How
do I navigate having my boyfriend attend this happy event, but not
include him in the pictures? Is there a delicate way to tell him I feel
it would be inappropriate? I don't want it to seem like I'm planning to
skip town, but these pictures are one of the few cases where my whole
family will be together and I don't want everyone to look back on them
in a few years and go "Oh yea, whatever happened to that guy little sis
was seeing?" Any advice greatly appreciated, thanks! (Dear Prudence 1/29/13)
A. Um. You feel awkward because a guy you once loved is pictured in family photos? And now, you're worried that a guy you are probably going to marry will be in family photos? Or, conversely, you are afraid that you might have to answer the question: "what happened to that guy you were dating in this picture?" Because, actually, all you have to say is: "gee, I don't know" or "oh him? I dumped him." BUT, this is a really big deal, so I have an idea!! How about no one who is not blood related is allowed in the photos. Because, well, people get divorced!!!!!! And maybe your sister's husband will cheat on her with your current boyfriend and imagine the story then!!!! HOW do you EXPLAIN that scenario when strangers look at your family photogs?!?!?!?!!?! In conclusion: Happy 70th to your dad!!
Q. Firing an Officiant: My fiancé and I are atheists, and we were overjoyed when our friend's boyfriend decided to get ordained to marry us. We paid him a few hundred dollars to read our vows. But he quickly became domineering, offering endlessly unsolicited advice and trying to run the show. After he came over and insulted our vows last weekend (and insulted me, believing that I wrote them), I've had enough with his behavior. He's only talked to me once since, and that was to back up his earlier comments. Since then, despite calmly telling him once again what we want, he's ignored me. I've been kind to him only to preserve my friendship, but at this point it looks lost. How do I go about firing him? (Dear Prudence 1/29/13)
A. That guy's a douche! I'd say you be as frank with him as he has been with you. For example: "Please. Stop. And, by the way, we've asked Joshua Walter Birmingham to marry us, so don't even worry about it."
Q. Miscarriage With My Ex: I broke up with my boyfriend three weeks ago after I found out that he had been cheating on me. We had been together about a year, but did not live together. I knew he was not right for me and we were not going to end up married, but still, the infidelity and accompanying lies really stung. In the weeks leading up to the split, I suspected I was pregnant (I was) but didn't say anything to him because things were so difficult between us. A few days after we broke up, I miscarried. It was devastating. Even though I know he would not have been an ideal father, and I definitely didn't set out to get pregnant, I still wanted the baby and now feel a sense of loss mixed with relief and guilt. My question is, should I tell my ex about the miscarriage? Some of my friends say he has the right to know. (DP, 1/29/13)
A. Why would you tell him? What purpose would that serve? Your friends are idiots.
Q. Ogling: My boyfriend (we are both around 50 years old) has a habit of ogling women, sometimes rather obviously and often when we are together. I find it rude and annoying, but not a huge issue in and of itself. However, I recently discovered that he sometimes takes pictures surreptitiously of women, often of their rear ends and legs. I am very bothered by this, find it creepy, and also wonder if he could get in trouble for it. I know that if I bent over at a bus stop to pick up a quarter, and some stranger took a picture, I would be really furious, and feel violated. If someone did that to my daughter, I would be murderous. He knows I am aware of the obvious staring, but I don't think he realizes that I have actually seen him snap a picture, and I am quite sure that if I bring it up, it will not be an easy conversation. I can't decide if I am overreacting, or if I should talk to him about it, or I should just get the hell out of Dodge. I have tried to just ignore it, but it does bother me a lot. (DP, 1/29/13)
A. Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuh. TO BE CLEAR: You are dating a pervert. BUT you are unsure whether to dump him? Is that your question? Your question is: SHOULD I DUMP A PERVERT? (Boiled down.) Are you that bloody desperate? C'mon lady. Just pretend he has done the peep-photos to your daughter (which is highly likely unless she's gross) and then go all ballistic on him, minus the murder.
Q. Newly Engaged/Ex-Fiancé?: I just got engaged recently. My ex-"fiancé"—who abruptly left me some years ago—now wants "to talk." I'm not sure about what. All of a sudden he decided he didn't want to be married to me anymore so we broke up weeks before the big day. I moved on with someone else. As far as I know he remained single. His friends tell me he is mopey, but I've done my best to ignore such comments. Now, after years of silence and no explanation, he wants to talk. Do I owe him anything? I thought about just not responding. There's literally nothing I can do for him. What do I owe my soon-to-be husband?
A. Do you want to talk to this guy? If so, meet him for a coffee. If your s-t-b-h is rational, he'll understand you are just enabling closure for another human being. If you don't want to meet with the guy, then don't; there is really nothing complicated about this because, as long as you don't harbor feelings for this guy who dissed you it's really not a big deal. UNLESS you do harbor feelings for this ex. Which leads me to my next question: why do you put "to talk" in quotes? Do you think he wants to fondle your private parts? Or, are you imaging some revenge sex? If so, ignore him.
Q. Secret Child: My husband had an affair a few years ago with a woman he worked with, and a child was the result. My husband and I stayed together, and are working through it, as difficult as it has been. However, I never told my ultraconservative dad about his tryst and resulting baby. I'm having a hard enough time coming to terms with the child myself, and I know telling my father would just complicate things, but everyone else in both families know, and it's just a matter of time before he finds out, and I'd rather he find out from me rather than through the grapevine. The child is now coming up on 2 years in just a few months—how do I break the news to my father?
A. Tell him before someone else does! Just be like, "Woopsie! Forgot to mention hubs had an issue with a wandering dick, but I stayed with him AND his baby! Look, there's his/our baby!" (Then, point to the love child/son.) Everything will be fine. Most grandparent types enjoy babies because they are old and sort of demented. Another option: ignore the whole thing and if someone mentions it to your dad and your dad confronts you, be all like: "say whaaaaaaaaaaa?" THEN your dad will feel like a jerk. And everything will be fine.
A. Um. You feel awkward because a guy you once loved is pictured in family photos? And now, you're worried that a guy you are probably going to marry will be in family photos? Or, conversely, you are afraid that you might have to answer the question: "what happened to that guy you were dating in this picture?" Because, actually, all you have to say is: "gee, I don't know" or "oh him? I dumped him." BUT, this is a really big deal, so I have an idea!! How about no one who is not blood related is allowed in the photos. Because, well, people get divorced!!!!!! And maybe your sister's husband will cheat on her with your current boyfriend and imagine the story then!!!! HOW do you EXPLAIN that scenario when strangers look at your family photogs?!?!?!?!!?! In conclusion: Happy 70th to your dad!!
Q. Firing an Officiant: My fiancé and I are atheists, and we were overjoyed when our friend's boyfriend decided to get ordained to marry us. We paid him a few hundred dollars to read our vows. But he quickly became domineering, offering endlessly unsolicited advice and trying to run the show. After he came over and insulted our vows last weekend (and insulted me, believing that I wrote them), I've had enough with his behavior. He's only talked to me once since, and that was to back up his earlier comments. Since then, despite calmly telling him once again what we want, he's ignored me. I've been kind to him only to preserve my friendship, but at this point it looks lost. How do I go about firing him? (Dear Prudence 1/29/13)
A. That guy's a douche! I'd say you be as frank with him as he has been with you. For example: "Please. Stop. And, by the way, we've asked Joshua Walter Birmingham to marry us, so don't even worry about it."
Q. Miscarriage With My Ex: I broke up with my boyfriend three weeks ago after I found out that he had been cheating on me. We had been together about a year, but did not live together. I knew he was not right for me and we were not going to end up married, but still, the infidelity and accompanying lies really stung. In the weeks leading up to the split, I suspected I was pregnant (I was) but didn't say anything to him because things were so difficult between us. A few days after we broke up, I miscarried. It was devastating. Even though I know he would not have been an ideal father, and I definitely didn't set out to get pregnant, I still wanted the baby and now feel a sense of loss mixed with relief and guilt. My question is, should I tell my ex about the miscarriage? Some of my friends say he has the right to know. (DP, 1/29/13)
A. Why would you tell him? What purpose would that serve? Your friends are idiots.
Q. Ogling: My boyfriend (we are both around 50 years old) has a habit of ogling women, sometimes rather obviously and often when we are together. I find it rude and annoying, but not a huge issue in and of itself. However, I recently discovered that he sometimes takes pictures surreptitiously of women, often of their rear ends and legs. I am very bothered by this, find it creepy, and also wonder if he could get in trouble for it. I know that if I bent over at a bus stop to pick up a quarter, and some stranger took a picture, I would be really furious, and feel violated. If someone did that to my daughter, I would be murderous. He knows I am aware of the obvious staring, but I don't think he realizes that I have actually seen him snap a picture, and I am quite sure that if I bring it up, it will not be an easy conversation. I can't decide if I am overreacting, or if I should talk to him about it, or I should just get the hell out of Dodge. I have tried to just ignore it, but it does bother me a lot. (DP, 1/29/13)
A. Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuh. TO BE CLEAR: You are dating a pervert. BUT you are unsure whether to dump him? Is that your question? Your question is: SHOULD I DUMP A PERVERT? (Boiled down.) Are you that bloody desperate? C'mon lady. Just pretend he has done the peep-photos to your daughter (which is highly likely unless she's gross) and then go all ballistic on him, minus the murder.
Q. Newly Engaged/Ex-Fiancé?: I just got engaged recently. My ex-"fiancé"—who abruptly left me some years ago—now wants "to talk." I'm not sure about what. All of a sudden he decided he didn't want to be married to me anymore so we broke up weeks before the big day. I moved on with someone else. As far as I know he remained single. His friends tell me he is mopey, but I've done my best to ignore such comments. Now, after years of silence and no explanation, he wants to talk. Do I owe him anything? I thought about just not responding. There's literally nothing I can do for him. What do I owe my soon-to-be husband?
A. Do you want to talk to this guy? If so, meet him for a coffee. If your s-t-b-h is rational, he'll understand you are just enabling closure for another human being. If you don't want to meet with the guy, then don't; there is really nothing complicated about this because, as long as you don't harbor feelings for this guy who dissed you it's really not a big deal. UNLESS you do harbor feelings for this ex. Which leads me to my next question: why do you put "to talk" in quotes? Do you think he wants to fondle your private parts? Or, are you imaging some revenge sex? If so, ignore him.
Q. Secret Child: My husband had an affair a few years ago with a woman he worked with, and a child was the result. My husband and I stayed together, and are working through it, as difficult as it has been. However, I never told my ultraconservative dad about his tryst and resulting baby. I'm having a hard enough time coming to terms with the child myself, and I know telling my father would just complicate things, but everyone else in both families know, and it's just a matter of time before he finds out, and I'd rather he find out from me rather than through the grapevine. The child is now coming up on 2 years in just a few months—how do I break the news to my father?
A. Tell him before someone else does! Just be like, "Woopsie! Forgot to mention hubs had an issue with a wandering dick, but I stayed with him AND his baby! Look, there's his/our baby!" (Then, point to the love child/son.) Everything will be fine. Most grandparent types enjoy babies because they are old and sort of demented. Another option: ignore the whole thing and if someone mentions it to your dad and your dad confronts you, be all like: "say whaaaaaaaaaaa?" THEN your dad will feel like a jerk. And everything will be fine.
Monday, January 21, 2013
my advice vol. 1
Q. I have been going with a man for two
years. We seem to get along sharing cultural backgrounds and interest in
the arts, politics, etc. Our intimate life is absolutely wonderful. But
there is absolutely no talk of the future or of moving in or moving
forwards in our relationship. I love him and the only times we have not
seen eye to eye is when I bring up my dissatisfaction with his
no-commitment attitude toward me/us. Yes I am always ready and willing
when he calls or makes any plans but I have been feeling unhappy in this
situation because I feel he doesn't want to get married or move in
together. (Dear Prudence 1/21/13)
A. THEN SAY SOMETHING. Also, you seem old. "I've been going with a man..." Old people say that. So, this is even worse than I thought.
Q. I have been happily married for several years and have never cheated on my wife. Last week I went for a massage, and now I have a dilemma. I’m a sucker for cheap, Asian massage and this place seemed legit. They had ads for couples’ massage and a row of chairs for foot reflexology. The sign in the room said “Keep undergarments on.” But the masseuse came in and asked me to take my shirt off since she used oil during the massage. The first hour was completely normal, and when she asked me if I wanted a longer massage I told her to go another 30 minutes. She told me to turn over, massaged my stomach, then started to pleasure me—well, you can imagine how. I never solicited, intended, or suggested this happen! I could have stopped it, but it all happened so fast and was over in about 20 seconds. I almost felt violated. After that she finished the massage, and I paid and left a tip. I have resolved to only get fully clothed massages from now on, if any. I pride myself on being honest and treasure the intimacy and emotional trust my wife and I have. I feel that it might be gone if I keep this event from her, but I’m also not sure I should tell her. What should I do?
A. LIAR! OMG! LIAR, CHEATER! OMG! You are a scardy-pants man! AND I hate to have to be the one to tell you, but your wife hates having sex with your small penis. (Dear Prudence 1/17/13)
Q. My fiance and I are often incredibly bored at weddings, especially when the only people we really know are the bride and/or groom. You see, we don't really enjoy dancing. (Though, oddly, I grew up studying ballet rather rigorously.) So we end up parking at a table like the elderly family members.
Now that we're engaged and starting to plan the basic framework of our wedding, the question of dancing at the reception is coming into play. While initially my fiance was on board with my no-dancing declaration, he has since back pedaled, claiming that this is "just what people do." When I asked my fiance if he wanted to dance at our wedding, he was very adamant that he didn't. Yet, we are still discussing it.
So I wonder if it wouldn't be helpful to think of something else for our guests to do. Other than the standard "mingling," how do we occupy our guests so they don't feel awkward or bored themselves? And if we can't come up with anything, how do I stop my guests from dragging me onto the dance floor all night without being snippy or rude? (East Side Bride 1/15/13)
A. You sound boring and your wedding is likely to be a snooze fest. Just do whatever boring people do and expect everyone to walk away saying, "eh, that was okay. I'd rather have not spent all that money on those two boring idiots." As much as weddings are about you, they're also about the people you're inviting, unless you elope.
Q. A neighbor recently posted on a neighborhood forum that after several years, her lost cat returned home. The cat was a kitten when it went astray. Naturally, the neighbors did the usual things you do when you lose a cat; searched endlessly, put food out and posted on community boards, electronic and otherwise. The family was naturally relieved when the cat returned. However, someone has clearly cared for the cat. It is healthy and has been neutered. But there’s no indication of ownership. My neighbor’s dilemma is a question of obligation to the “temporary” family and whether she can take ownership of the cat. (The Ethicist 12/14/12)
A. I have a lot of questions that will not help you directly, but may help you evaluate your life. First and perhaps most important: WHY are you writing about your neighbor's cat? Are you the person who stole the kitten from the family who "lost" the cat and since you were the "temporary" family you're feeling a bit upset that you now can't care for the neutered cat? How do they know this is the same cat? DNA tests? Is this cat fluffy? If not, forget about it.
Q. My future in-laws stayed with us for several days a few weeks ago. They live on the other side of the country, so I have actually only met them once (though my fiance generally only has good things to say about his parents). Well, one morning when they were here, my fiance was showering and I was making everyone breakfast. I stepped in our bedroom for a moment to get something and found my fiance's dad sniffing a pair of my panties from the laundry basket. Dirty underwear. Eek!! I acted casual about it like I hadn't noticed and he said he was looking for a sweater that my fiance had offered to let him wear. This kind of creeps me out though. I haven't told my fiance and I'm not sure if I should because I know he gets along so well with his mom and dad. Any thoughts? (Dear Prudence 11/7/11)
A: Holy wow! That's the grossest. Say something casual the next time all of you are together, like: "My underpants stink! Jeesh! Future father-in-law, (insert his name if you like) will you smell them to see if they smell different from the last time you sniffed them, and I caught you but was too scared to admit it?" Surely, this will open the door to a healthy conversation.
A. THEN SAY SOMETHING. Also, you seem old. "I've been going with a man..." Old people say that. So, this is even worse than I thought.
Q. I have been happily married for several years and have never cheated on my wife. Last week I went for a massage, and now I have a dilemma. I’m a sucker for cheap, Asian massage and this place seemed legit. They had ads for couples’ massage and a row of chairs for foot reflexology. The sign in the room said “Keep undergarments on.” But the masseuse came in and asked me to take my shirt off since she used oil during the massage. The first hour was completely normal, and when she asked me if I wanted a longer massage I told her to go another 30 minutes. She told me to turn over, massaged my stomach, then started to pleasure me—well, you can imagine how. I never solicited, intended, or suggested this happen! I could have stopped it, but it all happened so fast and was over in about 20 seconds. I almost felt violated. After that she finished the massage, and I paid and left a tip. I have resolved to only get fully clothed massages from now on, if any. I pride myself on being honest and treasure the intimacy and emotional trust my wife and I have. I feel that it might be gone if I keep this event from her, but I’m also not sure I should tell her. What should I do?
A. LIAR! OMG! LIAR, CHEATER! OMG! You are a scardy-pants man! AND I hate to have to be the one to tell you, but your wife hates having sex with your small penis. (Dear Prudence 1/17/13)
Q. My fiance and I are often incredibly bored at weddings, especially when the only people we really know are the bride and/or groom. You see, we don't really enjoy dancing. (Though, oddly, I grew up studying ballet rather rigorously.) So we end up parking at a table like the elderly family members.
Now that we're engaged and starting to plan the basic framework of our wedding, the question of dancing at the reception is coming into play. While initially my fiance was on board with my no-dancing declaration, he has since back pedaled, claiming that this is "just what people do." When I asked my fiance if he wanted to dance at our wedding, he was very adamant that he didn't. Yet, we are still discussing it.
So I wonder if it wouldn't be helpful to think of something else for our guests to do. Other than the standard "mingling," how do we occupy our guests so they don't feel awkward or bored themselves? And if we can't come up with anything, how do I stop my guests from dragging me onto the dance floor all night without being snippy or rude? (East Side Bride 1/15/13)
A. You sound boring and your wedding is likely to be a snooze fest. Just do whatever boring people do and expect everyone to walk away saying, "eh, that was okay. I'd rather have not spent all that money on those two boring idiots." As much as weddings are about you, they're also about the people you're inviting, unless you elope.
Q. A neighbor recently posted on a neighborhood forum that after several years, her lost cat returned home. The cat was a kitten when it went astray. Naturally, the neighbors did the usual things you do when you lose a cat; searched endlessly, put food out and posted on community boards, electronic and otherwise. The family was naturally relieved when the cat returned. However, someone has clearly cared for the cat. It is healthy and has been neutered. But there’s no indication of ownership. My neighbor’s dilemma is a question of obligation to the “temporary” family and whether she can take ownership of the cat. (The Ethicist 12/14/12)
A. I have a lot of questions that will not help you directly, but may help you evaluate your life. First and perhaps most important: WHY are you writing about your neighbor's cat? Are you the person who stole the kitten from the family who "lost" the cat and since you were the "temporary" family you're feeling a bit upset that you now can't care for the neutered cat? How do they know this is the same cat? DNA tests? Is this cat fluffy? If not, forget about it.
Q. My future in-laws stayed with us for several days a few weeks ago. They live on the other side of the country, so I have actually only met them once (though my fiance generally only has good things to say about his parents). Well, one morning when they were here, my fiance was showering and I was making everyone breakfast. I stepped in our bedroom for a moment to get something and found my fiance's dad sniffing a pair of my panties from the laundry basket. Dirty underwear. Eek!! I acted casual about it like I hadn't noticed and he said he was looking for a sweater that my fiance had offered to let him wear. This kind of creeps me out though. I haven't told my fiance and I'm not sure if I should because I know he gets along so well with his mom and dad. Any thoughts? (Dear Prudence 11/7/11)
A: Holy wow! That's the grossest. Say something casual the next time all of you are together, like: "My underpants stink! Jeesh! Future father-in-law, (insert his name if you like) will you smell them to see if they smell different from the last time you sniffed them, and I caught you but was too scared to admit it?" Surely, this will open the door to a healthy conversation.
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